“Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

Those were just words when, as a very small boy, I was taught to pray at bedtime. 

They carried no particular meaning.  As an adult however, they have recently become extremely meaningful--or words very like them. 

The problem began a couple of months back when doctors detected an irregular heartbeat in my chest.  I was dispatched for a number of tests and the diagnosis followed shortly: Atrial Fibrillation, or A-Fib.  A lot of Americans suffer from it.  Basically it means that the upper chambers of the heart are quivering rather than regularly and consistently pumping blood through the body.

My doctors tried first to shock the heart back into rhythm.  That didn’t work.  Next they tried to control the beat with medication, several medications in fact, upping the dose, then upping it again.  That too did not work.  My next appointment to see the doctor was scheduled for a week hence, but my heart was not waiting for that.

Increasingly I found myself violently short of breath.  I became unable to walk across the room without stopping to rest.  A hot pressure pain spread across my chest and shoulders.  At night sleep fled.  My doctors assured me I was not going to die from these symptoms, but I was not convinced.  In the pressing dark of midnight I cried out to God with David, “Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away; Heal me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed.  And my soul is greatly dismayed; But you, O Lord---how long?  Return, O Lord, rescue my soul; Save me because of your lovingkindness. For there is no mention of you in death; In Sheol (the place of the dead) who will give you thanks?  I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch in tears.  My eye has wasted away with grief; It has become old because of my adversaries.” (Psalm 6)

Finally, in desperation, I packed myself off to the emergency room.  Not many days later, a small platoon of doctors and nurses shut down my upper heart and implanted a pacemaker to take its place.   It is a funny feeling to know that one is no longer depending on the heart God gave at birth but on a mechanical device made by men.   The suffering for now is past.  The process of learning how to live in a world I have not experienced before has taken its place.  Again I say with David, “The Lord has heard the voice of my weeping. The Lord has heard my supplication.  The Lord receives my prayer.” (Psalm 6: 8-9)

Two things stand out from this time.  First, the matters and urgencies of life that so consume one’s thoughts, fade during a crisis where one’s life hangs in the balance.  The things that so concerned me in the days before suddenly did not matter so much.  They are for the living to ponder and to act upon.  What becomes uppermost in one’s thoughts is God himself.  Is he there?  Does he hear my cries for help?  Will he deliver me?  And most of all, if this is at last my moment--as ultimately comes to all mortals--to depart this life, will there be eternal life?  Will it be heaven or hell? 

“If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”  Fortunately for me I am and have been confident on that point.  I believe in the reality of heaven and that I will one day reside there.  Not because of any good that I have done, but because Jesus Christ gave his life in place of mine two thousand years ago.  Through faith in him I know what my eternal destiny is.

The second thought that fills my mind now is that once more God has spared me and left me to dwell for the foreseeable future in the land of the living.  And that brings back to me with brighter clarity that the Living God has a purpose for my life.  I cannot change the world.  But I can affect it by how I live, by the judicious use of whatever resources God has still entrusted to me.  And by my prayers to him on behalf of others.  For he is a God, I have learned, who hears my prayers and who answers when I call.  I am not helpless, although I am weakened by this episode.  By his power I can and will make an impact for Jesus and for his kingdom to the greatest extent I can, while I can.

I am thankful to be alive, and grateful to all those who helped to make extended life possible.

Dr. Rick Perrin is a minister in the Presbyterian Church in America and Chairman of the Board of World Reformed Fellowship..  He writes a weekly blog called ReTHINK which may be accessed at www.rethinkingnews.wordpress.com. He may be contacted directly at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. .